Monday, February 27, 2006

Unblogging 

In the past 24 hours I've almostfinished two horrendously long blogposts -- one too personal to post, the other too deliberate, too political, too professionally sensitive, too academically unwieldy to pull together after a long first day back at work.

It was my daughter's first day at school today. She threw up this morning before breakfast, she was so nervous.

At the end of the day, her teacher remarked that she was great. And so smart.

The kid reports that she has a new friend named Katherine. Or Christine. And that they played all morning, and sang songs, and got into a fight, and ate snack, and made a project.

I only know because I was told.

Almostfour summers ago, the night she was born, I stayed up all night by her tiny hospital bed-on-wheels, watching her sleep in the light from the bathroom door.

I used to sneak into her room sometimes to watch her sleep, hair unruly, mouth pushed forward in sleep.

I never watch them sleep anymore.

My students, my parents, even my coworkers once and current have found my alter ego. I self-censor to protect myself, and them, and the mask I wear with each of them. The list of things-I-dare-not-blog has reached a tipping point, leaving little but the tidbit available as fodder even on the best of days.

It's not the same as it once was, doesn't serve the purpose of the true innerlife. I struggle too hard to balance the safe with the sound, end my days unfulfilled.

It bothers me to have lost my comfort zone. I miss the wholeness that I used to have in this palace, miss the holistic worldwatching that brought me here. I hate pushing the muse away when she brings me the unbloggable.

I hate not finishing things.

I'm tired.

Maybe it's time for a separate piece - a new pseudonym, a begin-again.

Maybe it's just time to move on.

Wanders do, you know. Eventually. When we become lost, and need to find our selves again.

posted by boyhowdy | 10:43 PM |

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Comments:

Met you in the chat room. Keep your head up and don't give up blogging. In this realm only the strong survive!

# posted by  Anonymous : 11:53 PM, February 27, 2006

 

If you find it's time to move on, happy trails to you. I hope I find you again, out there in the blogosphere; it's been a pleasure peeking in on your journey.

(And hey, if you and yours are ever in the Berkshires, seriously, give a call. :-)

# posted by  Anonymous : 3:52 PM, February 28, 2006

 

I am a student at SFA and my assignment is to respond to a blog. As I was looking, I came upon your blog. I touch my heart. I have 2 children, 13 year old boy & 12 year old girl. We have to make it a part of our schedule to know our children. We need to keep them close to our hearts so that that they will keep us close to their hearts. NO ONE else will care for our children like we do. They grow so fast, make the most of it. Let them know that they are the MOST important part of our lives. Look to your daughter, she will help you when you are lost.

# posted by  Anonymous : 10:50 AM, March 04, 2006

 

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