Monday, November 15, 2004

Winter Comes To Shadow Lake 

Thanks in advance for any commentary -- this is a first draft! Does it work? Where? How?

That winter when it didn't snow
the lake froze clear like glass
and we walked out unnoticed by
cold fish below the radiant ice
hidden in drowned grass.

Like thought balloons in cold cartoons
the bubbles trapped beneath our feet
we shattered all the brittle tops
dropped pennies in the piggybanks
that rose for us beneath.

And now another winter finds
the laketop growing thin
good odds that it will pebble soon
but with our child we'll walk again
and not fear falling in.

posted by boyhowdy | 1:43 PM |

At last! *Good* poetry posted in a blog. The problem I think you have is how to stick with your most original images without messing up how the poem scans. I think I'd suggest that you toss the rhyme/rhythm scheme that you currently have and go for free verse. For me, the internal rhyme in the first stanza (snow/below) works much better than the internal rhyme in the second stanza (thought balloons in cold cartoons). It's subtler and doesn't draw attention to itself. Overall, though, good strong images in your poem, and I can just see the little crusts of ice that shatter when you walk over the frozen bubbles.
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