Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Don't Squeeze The Juicebox: 12 Better Rules For First-Time Fathers 

A surely ongoing compendium of wisdom learned on my own, and why doesn't anyone teach this stuff in those silly father training classes they offer at the hospital? It's great to know that you're not likely to be fully loved until after the weaning process ends, but I sure wish there was someone to impart such gems as the stuff I've collected, like ants on a dropped summer jawbreaker, learning the hard way as we approach almost-two.

1. Never get just one diaper.
2. Giving is not sharing.
3. Bath time: it's about the play, not the soap.
4. Naked time is only a good idea if you enjoy cleaning poop off a beige carpet.
5. Straws are free toys. So are tall stalks of grass, empty cardboard boxes, knobby sticks, shoes, anything in grandma's pocketbook, rocks with broken glass hiding in them, and anthill dirt. Nevertheless,
6. A visit to the toy store makes everyone happy. (also, rule 5 1/2: every toy is equally likely to break or get lost. Buy the two dollar fireman's hat.)
7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but only to a point.
8. There is no such thing as "childproof."
9. Children are always listening.
10. Accept that your house will never be clean again, and move on.
11. No one wants to hear anything cute your daughter said. They're just being polite.
12. It's not the hours, it's the moments.

posted by boyhowdy | 1:58 PM |

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