Monday, April 12, 2004

A Blog About Nothing

My parents read my blog. My wife reads my blog. The people I work with -- and for -- read my blog. If you're a random stranger reading this blog right now, then you may be in the majority objectively-speaking, but you're not going to get the thoughts buzzing around madly like bees behind my eyes, the ones currently keeping me awake at night, stinging my dreams.

Mostly, that's because I'm a foot-in-mouth idiot.

Every once in a while, the things I need to rant and rail about are all so much about how stupid I am with the people I love and care about (and the ones I hate but have to be nice to) that they just can't go here, lest the blog become just one more stupid thing I do to the people I love (and hate but have to work for and play nice with).

Most people have their own name associated with their blog, it turns out. But most people don't put their foot in their mouth as often as I do. So here's the Seinfeldian summary -- it's about nothing, I swear:

I am angry and powerless.
I am depressed and leaning towards addiction as a coping mechanism.
I am short with others, and the feedback cycle makes me more prone to be stupid and hurtful.
I am feeling locked in to my life.
I have lost my confidence.
Oh, and my shingles are back with a vengance.

Sometimes wanderers are lost. Sometimes they can't even clarify their direction, even -- especially -- when their boss has asked them to write it down in one page less, surely in order to nitpick their vocational urges to death.

And finally, cryptically: The problem with becoming the man she thought I was is that I can't leave without feeling like I've let her down, too. And I owe her too much to ever do that. So I guess we'll just stay. Hoorah for me: at least I own my misery.

posted by boyhowdy | 5:06 PM |

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