Sunday, September 14, 2003

Best Guess News

Having a dial-up isn't fun, but the wait while pages load does spark the ol' creative juices. In my quest to maximize the power of my 28.8, I've taken to reading CNN for the headlines only, taking as truth nothing but my best guess at the unread story behind each headline. Making it all up is certainly less time consuming, and it seems to be working fine -- or, at any rate, I don't feel any dumber or less informed than I used to.

For posterity's sake, I herein share the fruit of such practice, all gleaned from today's As a caveat, though it should go without saying, what follows is probably not true; the author cannot be held responsible for lucky guesses, accidental half-truths, or psychic powers as-yet-discovered.

Real CNN Headline: Sister of Venus and Serena Williams killed

My Best Guess: Williams, 35, never made the splash her sisters did, though certainly not for lack of trying. "She just didn't have it in her to be a tennis star, what with that club foot" sobbed father "Moon Unit" Williams to reporters yesterday. "It's just a shame we didn't figure it out before we destroyed her mind with experimental steroids trying to psyche her up." Ms. Williams is survived by her sisters, her parents, two Nike campaigns and and several gazillion dollars.

Headline: Swedes reject euro as murder hunt goes on

Best Guess: Coins proclaim innocence, and polls show 90% of Swedes believe euro is innocent, but police remain open to the possibility that euro may be bribing officials, noting suspicion raised by "too many alibis from too many countries."

Headline: Madonna launches children's book

Best Guess: In an interview with the divine Miss Madonna herself, we learn that a) Madonna's still got it, b) Madonna has stopped shaving her pits, making us wonder where we put that old issue of Playboy with the black and white photos of Madonna before she was famous, and c) Madonna says she has found a balance between motherhood and her chameleonlike performance style but is clearly deluding herself. Book is believed to be the first children's book with a centerfold.

Headline Are shuttle flights worth the human risk?

Best Guess: No.

Headline: Nintendo game works as videophone

Best Guess: Nintendo systems selling like hotcakes in Japan. Aunt Sharon looks suspiciously like Princess Toadstool.

Headline: Clinton comes out against recall

Best Guess: "Alzheimers is the best refuge of the ex-president," argues Clinton in a speech before the United Money Launderers 428 in upstate New York yesterday. "Just look at Reagan -- since 1994, not one reporter or historian has asked him to account for the gaps in his presidential record. It's as if Iran-Contra never happened."

Got more? Don't be shy -- you don't need a slow modem speed to play! Get some headlines, make up your own Best Guess News, and post on your own blog or in the comments below -- just a couple of players and we've got a meme!

posted by boyhowdy | 8:06 PM |

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